Thursday, 29 August 2013

Signs you're enduring your marriage

THE stress and challenges of present times are throwing up situations that make some people question the long held belief that marriage is a life-long convenant. Relationships that started with great promise and all the romantic spice that led to altar are feeling the quake and some are even crumbling altogether.
   Take the case of Adewunmi, a French language graduate who was not too keen on teaching in a secondary and opted to set up a business providing contract services for events.

Meanwhile, she had secretly admired Funsho, a member of her church, whose heart and soul were both sold on becoming a minister of the gospel. So any talk about romance and 'disguised Christian dating' were far from his mind. He was extra careful about romance - conscious of the scripture that says you should "flee from every appearance of evil."

But with time, Wunmi manouvered and wormed gis way into his heart and his life, and eventually married. The proceeds from Wunmi's business supported the family because Funsho didn't do any secular work.
  Not long after a baby came back. The joy brought by the birth of the baby was cut short when two years after Funsho suffered a stroke that left him paralysed. This was such a big blow to the family and to Wunmi particularly as she had to care for Funsho, who could no longer do anything for himself. When Wunmi could not endure any burden any longer, she packed out of her matrimonial home, and practically kissed the marriage goodbye.

  How about Sandra and Mike Obi, two lovey-dovey university chums who lost contact and re-united by chance in the elevator of a bank building on Marin - three years after completing national service. While Sandra sold enterprise solutions services to companies for a leading GSM network operator, Mike was gradually gaining momentum in corporate finance.
  His job entailed frequent trips around the country, monitoring  the progress of projects funded by high-end facilities provided by his bank, national leader in mega-capital.

  For four good years, their marriage worked quite well until Mike fell under the charms of another corporate finance 'engineer' he met on one of his trips to Enugu, where his bank was funding the massive expansion of a brewery in the coal city. It didn't take long before Mike started keeping late nights, using one excuse or the other.
  Then hell broke loose one day when Sandra found out Mike's affair, which had been going on for over two years. Deeply hurt, she moved her things into a spare room in their four-bedroom flat in a private estate. To their neighbours, all seemed okay, but the truth was that Sandra had stopped seeing Mike as her husband. All the little things they used to do together as a family have gradually dried up.

   No more trips to Silverbird Galleria for movies on Saturday, and the like. Though close friends have tried to bring peace between them. Sandra's hurt has been the stumbling block. And neither has Mike made real effort to cut links with his external and obviously pleasing 'oil well.' With the stalemate, Mike and Sandra are now just living as flat mates. For Sandre opting out may not be that easy because of her children, perfering to endure Mike's shenanighan and just keep up a front.

   Sandra, unfortunately, fits perfectly into the group of women who a recent survey found out simply enduring their marriages. What are the indicators that a woman is enduring her marriage? Find out below:

When the woman wishes she were a widow

    For many women, they simply envy their widowed friends and wished they were in their shoes. Findings reveal that such women put up with the relationship, for various reasons, like the children, perks of the marriage, religious obligations etc. While many do not have guts or the desire to mastermind the death of their spouses, they simply stay on in an abusive marriage.

When she picks all the bills

  The ideal is that the man is the head of the house, in every sense of the word and provides for the upkeep of the family. But when the financial leadership of the man fails, and the woman picks up the bills with no empathy from the man, no doubt it is a strained and lopsided relationship that many women fear and cringe from. For those in it that situation, for reasons of criticism from family and society at large, they simply carry on. No woman ever wants to pick the bills!

If she wishes she were married to someone else

   Seeing that her friend gets better treatment from her husband, he dotes on her, appreciates her in word and in deed but all that is absent in her marriage, then it's only natural that she would wish to be with someone else... who will appreciate her better, pamper her, cherish her.

If she doesn't look forward to coming home

   Knowing that when she comes home, it's always quarell or argument, for something she did, or failed to do, then to her, home is not 'home'. And wouldn't mind staying longer at her office, or at a friend's place till she can muster enough energy for the fight that lies ahead.

She is happy when he is out of town

  For many women, it's goodness, he's out of town,' whenever he makes a trip. For them it's a time free of ridicule, meeting his inconsiderate demands, and most importantly, the children will be happier.

He is ill and not improving

   When he is terminally ill and she has to nurse him, but he's not improving, it will only take grace for her not to walk out on him. But usually she stays, because she loves him, she believes it's her duty to do so and because people will condemn her if she does.

You're snooping

  If you're looking through your man's jeans pockets, hacking into email or conveniently "glancing" at his phone. It's probably because you're looking for evidence of what you already know or your trust level with your guy is nonexistent. Think about it: when Elin looked at Tiger Woods'text-messages, do you think she was expecting to find something good?

   "You have to wonder if you're looking for a problem because you don't trust men, don't trust your partner or feel insecure about yourself and your relationship. If you're acting on intuition that there's a problem, then carefully think about  the facts of the matter the way an outsider would - is there legitimate cause for concern?" says Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., author of Sultry Sex Talk To Seduce Any Lover.
  And don't fool yourself into believing that spying on your guy is no big deal.
   "Snooping isn't a normal part of a healthy relationship, so the desire to investigate can say a lot," says Fullbright.

He's always looking at his phone

  These days most of us are obsessed with apps, but if your guy is checking his Facebook page instead of paying attention to you over dinner, it's a sign that he could already be checked out of the relationship.
   "He could be totally into someone else, and even if he's not, you're not his priority," says Fulbright. "If he's not giving you ample attention when you're together because he's too into his phone, then he's not present or engaged in you or the conversation."
   Before you tell him to take a hike, suggest a technology-free evening and see how he responds. "He may just need to learn that he's being quite rude," says Fulbright.

You're not doing it

  He used to grab your hand in the movies (or grab your bum when you were washing dishes). But these days it seems like you're friends (without the benefits) and the sad part is you don't even really care.

  'Almost all men want sex whenever they can get it - it's natural human behaviour - even when the rest of the relationship may not be in good standing," says Dr. Sadie Allison of TickleKitty.com and author or of Tickle My Tush: Mild-to-Wild Anal play Adventures for Everybody, "If you find he stops coming on to you (when that was his norm), and you've stopped engaging in love making as well, it could mean he's just not interested in you anymore, romantically. Or he's given up trying after too many 'no's'."

You're fantasizing about other men

  We all have celebrity daydreams (Daniel Craig, shirtless, throwsing you up against the wall - you know, just for example). But when you need to think about other men to get through a sex session with your man, it's a big clue that you're headed for trouble.
   "It's normal for some people to fantasize about others. But when you're doing it a lot _ preferring such to fantasizing to being with your own partner - then there's something larger going on," says Fulbright.
  "Whether you're not attracted to your partner or just disconnected, see this as a sign that you're not as happy as you could be."

You no longer laugh at his jokes

   When you're in love it doesn't matter if your man is Sacha Baron Cohen funny or if he's so unfunny he messes up a knock-knock joke - you're still the first person to give him a big, warm-hearted laugh.
  "When we fall for somebody, we either humor their humor or really appreciate their attempts to be charming. But if you're no longer willing to do that dance and find yourself putting up a wall, that's a sign that you're not contented with him

   If you can no longer muster smile at his witticisms, it may be time to take a long hard look at the other aspects of your relationship.

   "There's something that he's doing or saying that's putting you off and you have to decide if that's a deal breaker or  not," says Fullbright. 

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