When you see couples that are really fond of each other and intimately deep in their relationship, they shine like the red strobe light of a police car that can be seen from a distance, even in a fog.
They look lovingly at each other across rooms, finish their partners' sentences, and playfully poke fun at one another. They call each other 20 times a day, send text messages and touch each other in very fond ways. Here's how those blissful twosomes keep the romance alive.
They celebrate a unique anniversary
Your wedding anniversary is a lovely date to remember, but it's not the only milestone that matters. It's even more intimate to celebrate less public moments of which only you two know know the true meaning, such as your first kiss, first vacation together or - hey- even the first time the pregnancy test turned blue.
They stash pleasure money
Sure, you have funds earmarked for bills and savings, but every couple also needs a just-for-fun account to fund the occasional, much-need indulgence, says Brown University psychiatry professor Scott Halyzman, M.D., author of the Secrets of happily married men. " Put some money aside that won't destroy your budget when you use it," he says. Spend it on a spur-of-th-moment weekend trip, a pricey bottle of champagne or front-row tickets to a concert you're dying to see (for example, Basket Mouth's Lord of the Ribs show which now sponsored by GLO)
They have a special couple code
When you two can communicate volumes with a mere raised eyebrow or a barely perceptible nod, you feel like co-conspirators in a sexy suspense film. Stephanie McGuire, 36, of Chicago, shares a very specific expression with her husband when she wants to exit a social situation without hurting anyone's feelings. "It's a really straightforward look with the eyebrows raised quickly," she says."I don't think anyone else would pick up on it, and it makes us feel closer when we're stuck in one of these 'Get me out of here!' moments."
When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom and Dad
The first task facing all young couples is seperating from their families of origin, points out San Franscisco-area-based family researcher Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go home for the holidays.
But if there's good news about a big raise or the results of a medical test, the couple should should talk about it together first before dialing Mom. "You wouldn't believe how many people who are getting divorced say to me, 'She was never mine, ' or 'His mother always came first,'''Dr. Wallerstein observes.
They don't nickel-and-dime about chores
It's no secret that most women continue to do more in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their partners. Still, when couples become double-entry book-keepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble."Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's 50-50," observes Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla Ph.D., "but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can.
They never lose their sense of humor
Humor, as many psychotherapists have observed, is the Krazy Glue that keeps a couple together. When a couple can no longer laugh together, says Thomas Moore, Ph.D., best selling author of Care of the Soul, it's a signal that the soul has gone out of their relationship and they are headed for trouble. But Dr. Moore is quick to point out the lighthearted couples never mock each other. They instinctively know what is - and isn't - fair game.
They get busy, period
You don't have to do the deed everyday - or every seven days, for that matter - to have a great relationship. But there's no way around this fact: "The happiest couples have sex on a regular basis," says Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. Avoiding a sex drought is crucial, because healthy sex reinforces and deepens closes. That said, there's no need to stress if you sometimes let a week or two go by without sex. What's key is that you're both happy with your number.
They know how to get from dog poop to passion
"One of the hardest things to do is to transition from, say, paying bills to being sexy with each other," says Tessina. Successful couples find remarkably unremarkable ways to snap other out of daily grind mode.
How? They figure out their own shorthand for "let's be sexy together." Maybe your man stretches out on the sofa after the kids are in bed and invites you to hop up next to him. Or you swat his butt.
Or you swat his butt his butt. Or say, "Gosh,there's nothing on TV tonight, I wonder how we could ever fill the time?!'' Alternatively, if you are born-again Christians and you don't want your kids to understand, you can adopt this code, "Let's go for fellowship."
They do the ultimate move
Four words: Eye contact during orgasm. It's such a vulnerable moment that sharing it adds a huge degree of intimacy to your relationship,"says Lauren Berman Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago, who notes that a lot of longterm couples can't master this seemingly simple bedroom move. Locking eyes during lovemaking can also make you feel - act act - sexier, says Christine, 31, who lives in Middletown, New Jersey. "I feel more attractive when my husband is looking at me during sex," she says. ''And that makes me more relaxed and open in bed."
They use terms of endearment
"Pet names signal a safe, supportive environment," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla, Ph.D. Also, these days, when we're stretched to the limit trying to jugging jobs and kids, they"give us the chance to let down our guard, to be vulnerable and childlike. And they make us feel close to one another." These same feelings of intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other, sharing silly "inside jokes,"nor pet-naming your spouse's intimate body parts.
The point is to connect with some private message system that's meaningful to you alone, as a couple - not to the outside world. "This type of playfulness is a statement that you're feeling comfortable with each other and wish the relationship," says Dr. Perla.
They're grateful for the ordinary
After you've been married for years, it's easy to take your guy - and everything he does - for granted. But for a healthy, satisfying relationship, you need to have an awareness of, and an appreciation for, the routine kindnesses he demonstrates: the way he dries out the wet morning paper in the oven; his patience in training the new puppy; his ability to make you laugh when you're PMSing.
"Through praising your partner, you give him the message that he's important to important to yo," explains Tom Lee, Ph.D., a professor of marriage and family studies at Utah State University. "Plus, you'll find these comments have a ripple effect; they're contagiou.
If you're positive, he'll be postive in return.
They take 10 minutes
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-minute Rule; Take 10minutes a day to talk about anything - except for kids, responsibilities, or chores," Orbuch says.Her research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners.
And knowing your partner intimately isn't always about helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says.
They think positive
The best way to make your relationship better is to work at fixing what's wrong, right? Nope. "The most effective way to boost fun and passion is to add positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive elements to your marriage," Orbuch says. "That positive energy makes us feel good and motivates us to keep going in that direction." This doesn't mean that you can't feel - or talk about - anything negative, but "pretend you are are weighing your interactions on a scale." she says, 'If you want a happier relationship, the positive side needs to far outweigh the bad." The more you honor the love and joy in your bond, the sooner you'll transform your relationship into one that is truly great.
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